Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go...

   What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of four.

   I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.

   Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna

   Kony put infant into infantry

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   What do you call that useless skin around the v*gina? A woman.

   I like my women like I like my toaster, with two big warm holes and doesn't leave the kitchen !!

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!

   TGIF....this gas is free (neighbor doesnt use locking gas cap

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   "I've been seeing someone else, but you probably haven't heard of him." - how hipster chicks admit cheating

   I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL

   "if you haven't gotten laid using facebook, you're doing it wrong" - 90% of facebook users

   The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   Hates it when all the voices in my head say "Gesundheit" at the same time after I sneeze..