Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   I do 5 sit-ups every morning/afternoon. That may not sound like much, but there is only so many times that you can hit the snooze button, before the clock gives up..

   This ugly person told me "I need my beauty sleep" I was think they really need to hibernate

   I hate it when you look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes... you see someone in the car...

   Mistakes are painful; but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!

   Do you call Gatorade by the color instead of the flavor. 

   When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far and no one can ever tear them apart.

   Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   The closest friends are the ones that know too much.

   What if , one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that you're whole life was just a dream.

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge

   opening anything with "hey ladies..." makes it easy for people to identify you as a douche.

   I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills.

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys.

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

   Just got back from watching that movie The Hunger Games. Was very disappointed. Turns out it's NOT Ethiopia's version of the Olympics.