Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   I got a Valentine's Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   With the price of eggs this year, we're not dying eggs for Easter. We're dying Cheerios.

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   Taco Bell does a better job of making Mexican food that Beyoncé does making country music.

   I no longer wanna see heroes walking away from explosions but instead I wanna see them exit a helicopter without ducking.

   Valentines

   Have you hugged an imbecile today? Me neither. Come here.

   Where is your hug? Over there by the deodorant!

   Canada is now offering assisted suicide. Don't worry about keeping your purchase receipt; even if you're dissatisfied with the outcome, you can't return.

   If you’re ever wondering who your real friends are on Facebook, delete your account and see who calls…..

   I just saw my shadow. That means six more weeks of salads. 🥗

   Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

   I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

   The Philadelphia plane crash is a sign that the Eagles are going down in flames at the Super Bowl.

   Regarding the recent helicopter/airplane crash, I submit to you this: Flying is for the birds.

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?