Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.

   When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.

   For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!

   I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. She said yes with a big smile... So I walked off with her cardboard box.

   The Hunger Games? Is that like olympics for overweight former athletes or something?

   Finally baked my wife her favorite cake. She took one bite and spit it out. I feel so stupid....she meant "Carrot Cake" not " Parrot Cake" That was a wasted trip to the pet store.

   It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   a cop just knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing people on bike, My dog doesnt own a bike

   Ultimate D**k move would be Bill Gates buying all the possible mega million combos. Theres only 176 million of them and he'd double his money unless there were other winners.

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   Dear people who think Romeo and Juliet was a romantic love story.... It was a relationship between a 13 yr old and 17 yr old that lasted 3 days and resulted in 6 deaths.... Sincerely, Everyone that has actually read the story!

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   Me: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Me: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.