Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a gift ... Unrap it with Zeal !!

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   I don't want to say I have man boobs, but I went jogging and there was definite clangage

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   I hate it when they put the tacos in my bag upside down :-(

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters

   You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.

   George Zimmerman has become the new Waldo.

   Been keeping this inside my head for too long. Ladies, sometimes those really thin eye brows, freak us guys out. Please attend to your eye brows responsibly

   Sorry, Rick Santorum, but you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term...

   If a cop pulls you over and asks for papers, he does not mean the zig zag papers.... :/

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   Yeah okay. I wanna subscribe to your facebook modeling page. You and the 9,847,357 others who have no chance of advancing beyond this level.

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   Whatever happen to all the Kony fever?

   There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,