Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   If women are SOOOOOOOO good at muti-tasking, why cant they have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !

   Adele wrote the last chapter in my life. I believe I will have Katy Perry write the next !

   Waiting for Adele to write the next chapter in my life ! Hurry Up times a wasting !

   Obama- When we pull our troops out of Afghanistan-its not that we are abandoning you...we will follow you on Twitter

   Shopping Cart- The only thing a woman can park.

   40% of the men say "I Love You" by accident...the other 60% who do not say that..meet with an accident !

   if Mitt Romney is an Etch-A Sketch, then Rick Santorum is a Betsy Wetsy and Newt Gingrich is an EZ Bake Oven.

   I've had this bamboo plant on my desk for five weeks and I've yet to catch a single panda. :(

   Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!

   we have hunger games at work everyday...starts around 11:30

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime

   If Elmers didnt recommend eating paste...why the minty flavor?...huh?

   In retrospect, I may have spent a little too much time huffing rubber cement in elementary school

   Who cares, no one flys with Air Canada anyway!

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   that awkword moment when someone accepts your friend request that you didnt mean to send. You only went to their page to stalk.