Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.

   I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught...

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   "New and Improved" ... if it's something new, how are they improving it? I'm calling B.S. on that...

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   I'm currently killing a twelve pack, and every squirrel within fifty yards of my porch. Love me some Saturdays.

   someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Ebonics word for the day "mayonaise". Mayonaise alot of crackers up in here

   going to the ventriloquist show tonight. My roof lamp told me that.

   thinks it's better to be "over the hill" then under it.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.