Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   Good night beautiful ladies *Kisses* Good night ugly ladies *hand shakes*

   I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.

   Celebrate Earth Day ...because it's much more enjoyable than living on the moon !

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"

   My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8. You'd better f*cking be there.

   That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.

   Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.