Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   When you go down I go up, and I'm not talking about a seesaw either.

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.