Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x

   You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.

   My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation

   If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   Geese just call them bumps.

   How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!

   ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store..............

   My karma punch card is going to be full after today:)

   Ever find out your wiper wash is empty AFTER you have smeared bug guts all over your windshield?

   I saw my massivly fat neighbor girl waddling out to her smart car with a few of her hefty friends, I guess the cows were going to a mooooovie or something.

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   ‎"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

   when someone says "no offense".. prepare to be offended

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have 5 fingers And the middle one's for YOU.,

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.