Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   James Harden's head trying to hurt Metta World Peace by hitting him in the elbow was just uncalled for!

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Oops, Accidentally bumped into my neighbour's car....... With a baseball bat and a claw hammer.

   Women are as horny as men; they just hide their b0ners better.

   Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

   You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows whats going on?

   Does anyone really "Laugh Out Loud" when they write LOL?

   Girls if you are looking for your superman.. go read a comic

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.

   The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

   Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!