Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example

   Just wrote "calculator" on a boob.

   Patriots by 7. This is my pick for the Superbowl. And for any future U.S. revolutionary wars.

   I instantly smile when I see a text from you, I don't care what's in it. It's amazing to know I crossed your mind even just for a second.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry"

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me