Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never realize you need toilet paper until it's too late.

   Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.

   This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!

   Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.

   When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"

   Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

   One thing you will never hear me say, "Yes, that IS my Prius"

   I eat all my food doggy style.

   Love hurts, and will tear us apart. Also, timber wolves.

   I used to want to be a storm chaser, until I realized most storms will just come to you.

   I hate when I take LSD, and see a raccoon, and I'm all "The Hamburglar is shape-shifting, man!"

   My Asian friend ordered a Crown and Coke but I hired a clown to do blow with him because I knew what he meant.

   If aliens attack earth we should all act like we dont hear or see them.

   Ever wonder why the side of the car says" to protect and serve"????? Protect the donuts and serve the coffee................

   Ron Artest - Metta World Peace, that's his name now, only gets a 7 game suspension for cheap shot in the NBA. Do we live in a society that rewards bad behavior? What's next, an endorsement for elbow macaroni?

   Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...

   What goes "mhau namih uh bah booh"? A deaf woman when your standing on her foot apparently.