Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."

   Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   "London Resident will have stationed on their rooftops batteries of surface to air missiles during the Olympics" ...What the hell are the expecting? The London Blitz of 2012?

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

   Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap the sh!t out of that.'

   Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. ;-)