Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You know your getting old when you need pen and paper to do maths. 
25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated
I'm pretty sure the only thing guys learned from the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos is that if you slap it on the ass, it will eat your balls.....
Money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in my private jet
well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.
would like to thank all the micro-brewerys out there for making my alcoholism appear to be no more than a fun hobby
Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno
Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.
I can't live without: ✔ Food ✔ Music ✔ Oxygen ✔ Water ✔ Internet ❒ You
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.
I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.
If I had a shot of whiskey for everytime I thought of you, I'd be sober.
High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.
To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life...also, thank you.
My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.
You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status
My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?
Any of my DIY friends need a "Stud Finder"?? Nothing wrong with it, just every time I pick it up to use it... the damn thing goes crazy!!! 