Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   TEQUILA wants to know... Have you hugged your toilet today?

   See Nude pictures of me → (Click here)

   Ive saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food.

   Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.

   You can't rush greatness.

   How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)

   Who said nights were for sleep? ― Marilyn Monroe

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date