Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coronavirus task force, "If someone dies with COVID-19 we are counting that as a COVID-19 death."

   I was at a restaurant tonight & I saw the "caution wet floor" sign. I wonder how blind people know. those signs don't have braille

   How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

   If you love a socialite set them free, if they come back to you be careful as they might have been Coronavirus.

   I'm so old I remember when the UPS guy used to throw package on my porch and run away for no reason.

   To end the coin storage let us all join together as a nation and dig into our couch cushions where we all should be sitting to help end the Coronavirus.

   When I first noticed you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   To end the Corvid how about we give those who don't really need $600 extra per week to go on vacation with so they stay home.

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   Confucius say, man who gets high on rock, gets stoned.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade

   If the fine for not wearing a mask is $100 for the first time. Does anyone know where I can get a season pass?

   Hostess Cakes merged with McKee Foods, and now everybody wants a bite of Little Debbie's twinkie.

   Seen a women in the supermarket wearing toilet paper on her face instead of a mask and thought to myself Toilet paper - It's not just used on regular asses anymore.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.