Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   This post is so good you will read it twice, this post is so good you just read it twice.

   Of all the things I pictured happening to me today, accidentally giving myself a facial while m@turb@ting was no where on that list.

   Please , with all that is good in life ..shoove those lemons up your backside ??

   If life hands you lemons, hey.... free lemons.

   Hey if life hand's you lemons , you better find someone that life handed sugar and water ,or your lemonaide is gonna taste like crap...

   ..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",)

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.

   The best things in life are free. The worst things in life will cost you half of everything you own.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.

   Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that

   What's the best thing about dating a fat b!tch? You can leave the toilet seat up and they don't notice.

   Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!

   Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing

   Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!

   I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.

   Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there