Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   Do people believe in birth control these days?

   I give Mark Zuckerberg new wife 3 years ..before she files ..and walks off with $1billion..not bad if you can get it.

   Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.

   What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   I work hard, because millions on welfare are depending on me.

   Thinks there are better things in life than alcohol. but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?

   Follow your heart, but bring your brain for back-up.

   Monday isn't so bad if you lube up.

   To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... good try.

   We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

   In times of great sadness, terrible pain & unreasonable hardship try putting your faith in convenience store scratch tickets.

   Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down.

   You never fully realize how terrible your toothbrush is until you get a new one.

   I like a strong woman with a broken accent. They no like game, take slow time to know & want ask this to you so for please no lie.

   I can't believe I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

   This lady on the highway is driving like a maniac & she has kids in the car. Lady I'm not following you. I want to watch Ice Age too.