Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She wanted to do it doggy style so I sniffed her ass, humped her leg and bit her on the face.

   Strip Rock Paper Scissors is my new favorite game.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.

   No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   : Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.