Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   Ready for winter to be over because I need to see the sun again and also so I can stop sitting on cold toilet seats.

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   The worst part about having multiple personalities is eating at a restaurant alone but getting an automatic 20% tip added to the bill.

   We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   Anyone can air guitar. It takes a true artist to air tambourine.