Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

   I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

   Whatever…Reese’s Eggs are cheaper and taste better than real eggs anyway.

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   Weather

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"

   The 13% crowd has traded George Floyd for Kendrick Lamar as their new hero.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she's not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a great catch!

   You gotta hand it to short people. They're too small to reach it by themselves.

   I'm all for LGBTQ: Lasagna, Gyros, Bacon, Tacos, Quesadillas.

   I just had a physical. The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean like bacon and burgers?" He said, No, fatty. Don't eat anything."

   If Silly Putty had only applied itself better in school, it would have been Sensible Putty.

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   As far as the music featured in the halftime show went, how about that guitarist? Oh, yeah, there wasn't one. Hey, how about that drummer and bass player? Damn. Neither of those. Hold on. That keyboard player. Wow! Wha? No keyboar