Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear lady in line in front of me with six screaming kids under the age of ten. You see that box of condoms that magically appeared in your cart? YOU'RE WELCOME!

   That awkward moment when you're absolute SURE you're gonna die after leaning your chair back too far

   Halloween

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   If you don't like your coworkers, go to work dressed up like a bear. Tell people "don't poke the bear"

   why did the chicken cross the road? because it went to the chicken

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in

   I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Dating right now, is like trusting a public defender.

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   I don't understand why people get in the left lane just to drive the speed limit. That lane is for crime.