Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever let one loose and it was too late? I just farted and didnt see the midget standing next to me.....

   Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   Justin Bieber charged w/ battering a photographer. Chris Brown & F. Mayweather said they would've handled it for him, but it wasn't a woman.

   Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   I'm an Axe murderer. I'll murder anyone wearing or purchasing Axe body spray.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.