Funny Status Messages

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.