Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef

   Boycott IHOP!,,,, And only buy domestic.

   c'mon the shopping was'nt that bad at the Eaton Center

   VelVeeta....the expensive government cheese.

   if I wanted a "home cooked" meal, I'd stay home and cook!

   The only difference between try and triumph is a little 'umph'.

   Women, they always want what they can't have!

   Whoever made the ''One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes'' post has never been with a prostitute...

   Richard Dawson has died....WOW!! I'm SHOCKED!!! I thought he died YEARS AGO?!?!?!

   it wrong to tell the person who just used the bathroom ahead of you that they need to see a doctor?

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   Ugly hoes, you can NOT have attitudes! You need to be nice, cause your looks sure ain't getting you nowhere!!!!

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   "You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows.

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   If the Twilight films have taught us anything it's that werewolves are afraid of shirts.