Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   murder is just a late abortion

   If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies

   If free speech is such a great thing, then why did God tell us "thou shall not lie"?

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   Marking myself safe from singles awareness day.

   nothing sacred? First girls allowed in the Boy Scouts and now Pitbull in NASCAR.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

   If you want to know why Paul McCartney never invited Ringo to dinner, he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

   I probably would be celebrating St Valentine's today but I have scruples and can't forgive Madonna for dating that male dancer Ahlamalik Williams.

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????