Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!

   Lazy Fact #12983789127489: You were too lazy to read that number .

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   "I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   Sorry, I'm really bad at returning calls and texts." = "Um yeah, I just don't want to talk to you."

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.

   Her: :-P Me: 8===D Her: :-O Me: 8====D~~~ Her: :-) Me: 8=D Me: ZZZZ

   Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

   Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   Do "lol" goes before or after the sentence??? Everytime I read something funny, I quickly stop laughing out loud cuz I get frustrated

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.