Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   if you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...

   I want to buy the jersey of my favorite 2012 Stanley Cup Champion player ... but nobody my age wants to advertise the work "Quick" on their back ...

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"

   that risky towel walk you have to do from the shower to the bedroom

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%

   n't it funny that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom? Coincidence? I think not!

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   My bathroom scale and I have our ups and downs.

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   I hope some brilliant people find a cure for every major disease, because I refuse to walk 5Ks.

   Me everyday on Facebook chat: Crap, look who's online…LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT…”Hey whats up?”…damn!!

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."

   I have always loved hockey but seriously I'm watch hillbilly Joe from the Kings team talk on TV right now and I just have to know...can't they get their teeth fixed with all that money they make?? Someone needs to use that dental plan!

   Did you know that your phone has a feature where you can press a few numbers and actually talk to a person?

   I wish Eazy E was alive to see this LA Kings Stanley Cup Victory