Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   facebook needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.

   It's funny, these guys make a status complaining about someone re-posting, then their next status is a re-post!

   I think I've just convinced my 85yr old neighbor to hop on one leg across her patio railing at 5pm if you guys are interested.........

   Nothing like waking up to drunk texts from the guy you like blurting out his feelings for you and now it's your turn to play it cool.

   It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again

   Dear McDonald's cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal... and don't forget the toy.

   Don't mind going to work, it's the 8hr wait to go home I hate

   When I text someone in the same room as me.. I stare at them until they get it.. (-_-)

   Coffee is just something I use to convince myself I will have a productive morning

   My favorite color is Vodka.

   I calculate how many girls ive been with the same way you convert °C to °F. Take the real figure, double it & add 30.

   If I can see you, you're invading my personal space.

   I find the butchest way to eat a banana is to take my dress off.

   "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"

   Shoutout to all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn....

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

   BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.