Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air...... Police say they have several leads...

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   ive started drinking raw milk. no homo

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.

   Some people in my life are as useless as the "AY" in "OKAY", but once in awhile I like to take the time to spell things out so I need em..

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   "Does anybody know what time it really is?" - man with an irrational distrust of watches and clocks.

   Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.

   It's so humid in here in the office that the envelopes are licking themselves.

   Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.

   This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.