Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

   Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!

   ya know...i tried tap dancing once, but I had to give it up....i kept falling into the sink!

   Why do people say they slept like a baby? Is it because they wake up every two hours or is it because they wake up with a load in their jammies?

   Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   Can someone please update my Facebook status for me. I had ravioli for dinner.

   This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of.

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   living in a van down by the river!

   has found my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   Waring: This is Not a joke - The Gonorrhea Apocalypse Is Near.

   If you lost $10,000.00 dollars, all hundreds, held together in a roll with a rubber band, give me a call. I found your rubber band. You just need to identify it.

   Tip: To avoid butterflies in your stomach,,, don't eat caterpillars.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.