Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...

   I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.

   Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.

   Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   This anger management class is pissing me off.