Funny Status Messages

   Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

   Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   Biden says he doesn't want to talk about his predecessor. I know exactly how he feels.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   I must express appreciation to you just for rescuing me from this challenge. As a result of searching throughout the search engines and seeing advice that were not helpful, I believed my life was well over. Existing minus the approaches to the problems y

   we would like some pollen

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.