flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   They say men are from mars and women are from Venus, but I'd like to believe men are from earth and women are from earth also.

   roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"