Funny Status Messages

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   What is another name for a farting contest? A wind-wind situation!

   A thing I learned during the past four years: Bad behavior gets you nowhere.

   Jo I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

   How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

   I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.

   Hey, NASA, do you mind looking for my son’s shoe while you’re on Mars? He’s looked “everywhere.”

   The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it!

   PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

   Hey, Coca-Cola! I don't know how to be "less white", but I do know how to drink less Coke.

   Gas prices are soaring and inflation around the corner, but thank God their are no offensive tweets.

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

   Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that I could uncover with a group of misfits

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys