Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   1.4 million convicted felons in prisons will be getting the $1,400 check, probably even dead people... True story

   If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?

   If society continues on its present course, the future won't be like The Jetsons. It will be like The Flintstones.

   Press 1 for English.... Did I move?

   My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex, I asked her; whats wrong with during dinner?

   If you lose half your IQ, that'll make you Q.

   '46' invites Dr. Seuss to White House breakfast; demands WH chef make a big plate of green eggs and ham.

   46 waits until Texas temps return to mid-70's before going to inspect the ice damage. #Putz

   46 got lost in the Oval Office for the third time this week; thought he was in his basement and pee'd on the drapes again.