Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.

   CNN & MSNBC reporting this morning that 'Un-named sources claim Covid-19 concocted by Trump in his White House bunker using son Barron's chemistry set he got for Christmas'

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

   Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.

   Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   There are two points about prisoners being on death row vs the rest of us. 1. We're all on death row. 2. They get to choose what they eat before it happens.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.