Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 343 of 6383
Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."
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10-10-2020 21:38 by Gabe
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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10-09-2020 15:11
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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10-09-2020 15:11
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I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.
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10-09-2020 12:14
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As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”
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10-09-2020 10:54
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.
*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I'm boycotting the next Nobel Prize award ceremony. Trump so deserved the award, but didn't win.
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10-09-2020 08:49
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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10-09-2020 08:22
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*
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10-09-2020 08:22
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I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.
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10-09-2020 08:21
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
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10-09-2020 08:21
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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10-09-2020 08:20
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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10-09-2020 08:19
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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10-09-2020 08:19
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I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582
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10-09-2020 02:46 by moon
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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10-08-2020 17:22
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde
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10-08-2020 15:41
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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10-08-2020 14:47
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Pencer must have done a great job last night. cause that's all the dumasscrats could talk about this morning on the lib news.
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10-08-2020 10:43
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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10-08-2020 08:45
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