Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!

   Life is like an ice-cream - enjoy it before it melts.

   3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.

   We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.

   Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.

   If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Morning wood should be renamed to "Try not to pee on the ceiling."

   I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.

   Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?

   If you expect a good comeback, come back later.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!