Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit

   This place smells of sexual frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, disappointment Skittles & vodka. God it's good to be at home.

   I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."

   Entertain me with your boredom

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.