Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

   Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

   I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

   Who am I sad passed away? Anwer: Alex Trebek.

   Uncircumcised? Hey, at least you have one hoodie she can't steal.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning . His mom was furious.

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Does any lady just out there just wanna get married just to say we did it!?!??

   Does anyone know where I can get in line for one of the millions upon millions of vaccine shots that would be "Ready to go" election day?

   I’m just glad election week is over ...

   I'm so glad the elections are over and we can put all that stress behind us and move on to being stessed about the holidays.

   I have zero interest in joining Parler. It's a safe haven for right wing conspiracy theorists, much in the same way FB is for the left. Where can we find truth? I'll tell you this, it's not from biased social media sites.

   Let's practice for the future: I'll trade you 2 rolls of toilet paper for a cup of sugar, a cup of flour and we switch places in this ridiculously long line.

   It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.

   For some reason, I'm reminded of all the happy people celebrating on the deck of the Titanic right before it left port...

   Just trying to figure out how I'm going to lower my income to under 400k. And then be expected to survive on that!?

   I was thinking....it's going to be really weird when Biden moves into the White House and has to share a bed with Trump because he refuses to leave

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.