Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.