Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".

   buttcheeks one word or do you have to separate them?

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   They opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, but no atmosphere.

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   Them: What kind of person are you? Me: I'm a place or thing, thank you.

   CUNT !

   Blunt

   Gobble till you wobble!

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?

   Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a Dog Park.

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   I bought a 15 pound turkey yesterday. He's fun to have around but he's kind of noisy.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.