Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.

   Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn't speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   What doesn't kill you is probably a poison made in China.

   What's that Adele song about not being able to hold onto a boyfriend?

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton. On the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity.

   The most attractive quality in a woman is alcohol.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.

   A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   They should make a car that can text you when the car ahead of you brakes.....

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   Come on Issac, the convention is about to start, don't let us down.

   just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer

   glad to see today was set aside for all the skanks out there. Happy National Dog Day!!

   Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!

   IF god exists, why is he supporting the government?