Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking of writing in "Anti-Christ" for presidential candidate choice... Either way, my pick wins...

   The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

   I called it "Perseverance" the court, however, called it "stalking"

   Im kinda new to video games, how do I get these ghosts to stop following me

   any body else going to grab a six pack order a pizza and watch the GOP convention?

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   Somedays, I just like to live wild and dangerous... These are the days I say to a woman, "calm. the. hell. down."

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby