Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don't work in vending machines?

   I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them.

   I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.

   They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ

   I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".

   You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

   Sometimes I'll jerk off on a dozen eggs just to give my sperm a false sense of hope.

   I always carry a knife. Because I believe in cutting-edge technology.

   Okay so I meet this woman. Deb Bowen. The first thing she says is that she's not high maintenance. I ask, "How so?" She goes, "I prefer Cool Whip over Whipped Cream."

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   I haven't had to use cond0ms in almost 15 years. Now that I am divorced and single, that'll have to change. Where do I get them? Do I need a prescription?

   I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.

   My beard is the welcome mat to my face.