Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Just saw a chick sitting on the tip of a fire hydrant. That image gave me a whole new meaning of W.A.P!

   You know you having a bad day when every good lawyer you have quits and all you have left is a guy who got tricked by Borat.

   Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

   Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.

   I can predict the future, for example, sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ sʎɐʍǝpıs pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uɹnʇ pןnoʍ noʎ ʍǝuʞ I

   Don't be like a Pilgrim this Thanksgiving going around spreading disease.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

   Had too much to think last night

   I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.