Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   Columbia House called, You still have to buy 4 LP’s at regular price.

   The more I learn about people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals aboard the ark.

   The news just broadcast that 2 actors I've never heard of are getting a divorce and I was sad...that $#@% like that qualifies as news.

   I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

   If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

   Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

   Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

   I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.

   Silly sane people...bags are for gas.

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   “Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

   The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.

   Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

   A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

   Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

   Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

   The CDC says you should start using your turn signals.

   being an adult is staring at medium screens all day to come home and stare at a little screen while a big screen is on in the background