Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that reaction you get when you see a toilet that wasn't flushed? That's my face when someone orders bottled water at the bar.

   'It looks like the Hunter has become the Hunted" -Things I say to strangers when they find me in their car.

   Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

   Text me on whatsapp then call me when I ignore you and I'll start digging your grave.

   I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.

   I alway realise that they're crazy way too late in the game.

   Don't get me wrong, I love football just as much as the next guy but if she want's to do it during game time, football is the last thing on my mind.

   "Screw you and your iPhone 5" is what I'll be saying until I also get one.

   My wife says I should read the book before watching the movie. So when I play the movies I just put the subtitles on and watch and read at the same time.

   Its so cute how we assume referee are going to be 100% neutral and objective in games/matches totally forgetting that they are just human like you and me.

   The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   Just spent 5 minutes looking for the like button in an email....

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   Ever notice the bleeped out every word R2D2 said in Star Wars?

   I guess someone hacked in and changed the format...

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   If you dont like being a door mat....then get off the floor