Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I wink at a hottie & she puts her cigarette out on her neck, that's still considered flirting, right guys?

   Probably just me, but the "&" sign looks like a guy rubbing his ass on the ground.

   Oh, don't mind me, I'm just singing Usher's "Nice & Slow" to some pizza.

   It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   One of the most important things I've learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.

   Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving on.

   Show me on this doll where the evil Monday touched you.

   have you ever noticed that Monday and Mundane sound almost the same? Coincidence? I think not!!!

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   I hate it when I don't know if you're joking or not.

   Let me use pain as an abrasive to polish your soul.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.