Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.

   Facebook is now taking way too long to open pages and sh it!!! So the meltdown begins.

   our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side...

   have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?

   Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut

   dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys