Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   Obama probably called Romney and said "I don't see how you can hate from outside the White House, you can't even get in.

   Black Parents: "When we get in this Restaurant you 8, OKAY?" Son: But mama I'm 12 . Mom: *SMACK* "Listen Here, Yo a$s is 8 you hear me?!"

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.

   A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

   I found a fruit roll up in my pocket today. Which means one of your kids has a banana flavored blunt wrap in their lunch box

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   when science teachers were gonna talk about "natural disasters" I thought they were gonna talk about relationships

   tell her she is worthless, that is something she will believe without whining about what you are saying.

   Tell her she's beautiful instead of hot. She's a woman, not a temperature

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.