Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You unfriended me? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   Ugly girls are like prime numbers - nothing will go into them except themselves.

   Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons?

   I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.

   We'll be corporate slaves in no time… if we vote for Rom ney 2012

   Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

   only I can prevent forest fires?? But I live in Oklahoma...

   In my most shameful moments I use the word "c*cksucker" negatively despite how greatly I enjoy having my c*ck sucked.

   "Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?

   Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!