Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   Tough times don't last but tough people do. -Macho man Randy Savage

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some tampons and got blown into a bar?!

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

   We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing..

   there anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already...

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   According to the replacement referees...if you're holding a baby & I hug you, I officially get your baby...

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it ''Decisions, Decisions''.

   just at the gynecologist and during my pap test my Dr. was whistling if I were an oscar meyer weiner!! Never going back there.

   The big winners in last nights MNF debacle?.... All of the TV repair shops in Wisconsiun.

   I hate waiting in line ups. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   just dumped!! Anyone want some sloppy seconds??

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   *Current state of the NFL*....After further review, the runner did not touch second base. Touchdown Lakers..

   I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.

   If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b