Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   In case you guys are wondering how screwed up my brain is... I saw a little girl at the store throwing her teddy bear up in the air saying, "he likes to get high" and all I could think was "don't we all sweetie."

   If someone hates you for no reason, give that idiot a reason.

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."