Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 315 of 6383
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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12-16-2020 11:25
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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12-16-2020 11:22
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I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.
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12-16-2020 10:11 by cpaman
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I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.
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12-16-2020 10:08
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Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"
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12-16-2020 09:48
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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12-16-2020 09:12
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
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12-16-2020 07:01
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag
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12-16-2020 07:01
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I love snow – People who never shovel
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12-16-2020 06:59
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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12-16-2020 06:59
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Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu
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12-16-2020 00:09
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My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star
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12-16-2020 00:05
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My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"
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12-15-2020 21:33
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Due to my white privilege I will be donating my Covid vaccine to someone less fortunate.
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12-15-2020 16:22
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Does the ebonics alphabet contain the letter "D"? All I hear is, "My mom an' Dat." "I'm ok, I'm goot." "I like Chevy but I also like Fort."
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12-15-2020 16:14 by ☻
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Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
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12-15-2020 12:38 by Moon
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020
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12-15-2020 12:03
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
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12-15-2020 08:55
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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12-15-2020 08:54
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I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.
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12-15-2020 08:46
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