Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have any old girlfriends. They're all so young.

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician

   Pulled into the grocery store parking lot, went down one isle and was coming up the other when I saw an open spot one space from the end nearest the door and thought, "what a break"......God I hate Smartcars.

   I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

   canceling my subscription!! I'm tired of your issues.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures

   I'm glad that "worchestershire" isn't a word we have to use everyday! I would appear retarded.

   I think it's safe to assume that 1991 Ice Cube would kill 2012 Ice Cube

   I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   The trickiest tongue twister in the English is apparently '"Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick''. Give it a try and see for yourself

   After a one night stand I scream stranger danger repeatedly until they leave.

   Obama has 99 problems but Mitt ain't one.

   Excuse me for the lack of updates lately. I'm really busy growing a mustache.

   Sarcasm is humor with an attitude.

   Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.

   The best curve on a girl is her smile. Lol just kidding, look at dat ass.

   A world where your intellect is measured by 'Followers' and 'Likes'.

   You know how America votes off contestants on Dancing With The Stars....That would be such a great idea on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.