Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   Walmart employees suck at pairing wine coolers and cheese...

   turkey bacon is as worthless as soft core porn...

   What is the fascination with space jumper, Felix Baumgartner's balls?

   STOP BULLYING... or I'm gonna kick your ass! ツ

   I ask a friend why he left his girlfriend. He said "I'm gay, plus in the end is the way I like it."

   Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day

   My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel....

   Shooting has started on a sequel to the movie Superman "Man of steel" to be titled "Balls of Steel" staring Felix Baumgartner

   I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   I wish I had a biker chick for my woman. Skinny legs, big b00bs, pot belly, and a face like Popeye.

   To me, both Presidential candidates seem kinda limp. I think the United States may be suffering from electile dysfunction ツ

   I think there should be an internation law mandating that Kate Beckinsale wear black latex body suits 365 days a year.

   I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   Felix proved one thing today: No matter how high you go... you will end up on earth!!

   Some bruises are worth it.