Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   If the stories are true, some guy in my gym could be the next Tour de France winner!

   If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?

   A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.

   I am having debate withdrawal....So I'm heading to 7-11 now to spar with clerk about gas prices and Iranian sanctions.

   I just dropped my bong and it broke :, ( life is cruel!!

   decided...husbands are a lot like jack o' lanterns!! Perfect once you cut their heads open and scoop out all the crap!! Happy Halloween :)

   Maybe if I looked like Tobey Maguire people would feel sorry for me....

   I'm more confused than Ricky Martin's kids on mother's day.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.

   Damn you're hot, but I've met fuzzy toilet seat covers more interesting than you.

   Call a Random Phone Number and say "They didn't make the drop Kill him" them hang up. Project Mayhem.

   Sure fire way to really annoy a woman - tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting. .

   Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.