doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   V@gina is such an ugly word for ovary cave

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for.

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   Nothing like a sentence that goes nowhere.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   Just discovered there is a level of sadness where happy songs are way more depressing than sad songs.

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.