Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..

   I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.