Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After Christmas

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Today I roasted a chicken. He pretended to laugh but I think I actually rattled him a little bit.

   OK, what genius decided to call them "Falsies" and not "Delusions of Glandular"?

   The reason it's called laSAGna, is because after you eat as much of it as I do, parts of your body being to "sag on ya."

   There's no profit in healthy people.

   Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.

   Like what about tall apartment buildings? Does Santa ride the elevator to each floor? How does he carry all the presents in one bag and how does he get into the apartments? I can't wrap my mind around it.

   Wrapping some Christmas presents and just want to say that if any of you get a really nice pair of scissors from me I need them back.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   How much baking soda per kilo is it again ?

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   Nice tree dad, are you going to put it up yourself? No, I'm going to set it up in the house...

   You want to make everything electric? Let's start with the border fences.

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I have exciting news. Today I used a piece of plywood, that I've kept in my garage since 2003, incase I might need it.

   I find it interesting how some women won't date a man that lives with his mother, but will date a man that lives with his wife.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.