Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!

   watching the movie, "The Hostage" Never saw it, But you can't go wrong with some Bruce Willis --You just can't....

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Am I the only one in Crocks?

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.

   Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real

   Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.