Funny Status Messages

   If you don't own a dog whistle then you can always use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Even though I'm feeling it, I don't believe in this extreme heat I'm feeling.

   Worshiping a piece of fabric is what life is all about.

   Well it looks like Richard Branson is going to win the millionaire space race which is one small step for Richard one giant leap before Jeff Bezos.

   You know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry? 58. Please don't delete me.

   I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.

   My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents. He knew all week. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

   The guy who named the "Chimichanga" should really be given more authority to name things

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 24 old ladies.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times... Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   The best part about being over 50 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   If women had boobs on their back they would be more fun to dance with.

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams