Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.

   Apparently a happy wife is a drunk wife.

   A blind person just told me the braille pattern on my left nipple actually says 'will die alone'

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "Oh, nothing special." So I'm giving her a framed picture of her t!ts.

   I saw an inflatable ATM machine today. The screen said Please do not enter PIN

   I wonder if drug dealers do black Friday lol ...weed and crack 20% off

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.

   I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving

   LIKE if you're still stuck at the Kid's table.

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....