Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It's dark isn't it?

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   You know that part in Toy Story 3 were Andy gives away his toys? Well I find that part sadder than the whole twilight movies..

   The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby

   I'll say it again. Nothing spooks me like when a cat walks into the room I'm in, looks at absolutely nothing, their hair stands up, they freak and take off leaving me wondering what the hell I'm in the room with that I can't see.

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   Young lady, what's your blood type? "Uh, fahv nine, paints on da groun....gold toofs...and his hands on his nut$!"

   Know what I going to Buy to My MAYAN friend for Christmas.

   it still a disorder if I only cut other people?

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.

   They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Nothing irritates me more as when I step on some melted snow with a fresh, dry and clean pair of socks on.