Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heard Chris Brown was dating twins, I guess that is what he meant when he said he had some fresh new beats....

   Barry Bonds is on the baseball hall of fame ballot this year. I hope he doesn't get a big head...

   Today's marks the 5th anniversary of being with my girl and my current job. The difference is my job still suck$.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. ....

   You better watch out, your better not cry, you better not pout cause I'm telling you why, your 10 and you have an iPhone you little s**t

   The only thing more ridiculous than Lindsay Lohan's antics, are those who are obsessed with them.

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   Since 1944, we've only raised taxes on the rich twice—in 1992 and 1994. The result? 23 million new jobs

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...

   We all have that family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.

   When I was a kid I wrote to Santa Clause to "please send me a baby brother",,,,,,Santa wrote back "send me your mother"!

   Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"