Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.

   Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)

   What's with all this bullying crap ... Bullying has been around since the T'rex punked a lizard . You want to stop bullying teach your kid how to defend themselves , bullies hate a fight .

   A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   I drink a lot because when I die I want to become high octane fossil fuel. I want to be burned up in a sports car, not some damned Kia or Suburu

   Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle...gotta admire her optimism

   No matter how old I get, I always know that I'll have to mentally sing my ABC's to know which letter comes next.

   The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is??

   Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   Went marchin' outside, singin' God Bless Merica. Saluted and yelled, "Remember Pearl Harbor. Suck it Japanland. These colors don't run."

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway